von Leareth
Earth . . . the stone on which I rest.
Fire . . . the dying sun burns red.
Air . . . surrounds us and gives us life.
Water . . . into which I stare, searching for answers.
The waves are constantly in motion, but peaceful. Calm. Unlike my own life, my choices.
Tabris must join with the one from whence we came, thus bringing the Lilim to the final stage. Destiny.
But Kaworu is hesitant.
Tabris is silent now, Kaworu is dominant. But I have been sent by them and soon it will be time.
Then I must choose.
What should I do?
It was not me who wondered this, though I might as well have. Rather, the one who stood on the shore of the lake.
He had not noticed my presence, wrapped up as he was in his own turmoil. But that was his nature.
What should I - he - do?
For the present, lift our spirits.
I sang. He stared at me but I did not look at him. The strain of music ended.
I spoke first. "A song is good."
He responded in confusion.
I continued. "A song brings us joy. I think that song is the highest achievement of the Lilim culture, don't you, Shinji Ikari?"
I turned to look at him.
A boy of my own age, but whose eyes reflected much suffering for one so young. It inspired sympathy - or, something . . . more.
"You know my name?" he asked.
From my high perch above the water, I laughed a little.
"Everyone knows your name," I said teasingly. "I don't mean to sound rude, but you are rather ignorant of your own position."
But, being as shut off from contact as he was, it was not so surprising.
"I am?" replied he surprised. "Well, who are you?"
Who am I indeed? Tabris or Kaworu?
To him . . .
"I am Kaworu. Kaworu Nagisa. I am like you, one of the selected Children. The Fifth Child, in fact."
Yes, to replace the one who had suffered at Arael's hands, the one who now hid from the world.
"You're the Fifth Child?" exclaimed he. "Nagisa-kun . . ."
Formality, showing how he was hesitant accepting friendship and how he kept people away.
"Call me 'Kaworu,' Ikari-kun," I teased.
He blushed. "Ikari-kun!" he said embarrassed. "You can call me Shinji."
I laughed. The first barrier between him and me was broken.
He stood in silence for a while, wondering what to say. Finally he asked me, "How did you get there?" referring to the stone on which I rested, feet dangling down towards the orange water, nearly falling . . .
"I flew."
I smiled. It was the truth.
He laughed.
"Would you like to join me?" I invited.
I wanted his company.
"I can't jump that far," he protested.
"Why not? I'll catch you."
"What if I fall in?"
He was fearful, afraid to do anything in case he fell.
But I could teach him otherwise.
"If you fall in . . ." I said, getting up. I stepped off the stone, into the water. He gasped, afraid. The water reached my neck.
"You may discover something new."
I dived into the water and retrieved the object that I had seen before.
Perhaps this broken figurine had graced the shelf in the home of a Lilim who had lived here peacefully until Armisael's arrival and her sacrifice to save the one who I spoke with. (Did she feel the same emotions as I do, about him?) The wings reached high, the dark blue glass catching the sun's dying rays. The hands reached out to touch something it could no longer see, for the head had broken off.
This angel would never fly again.
He stared at it in wonder as I reached the shore. I held it out to him.
He took it.
Almost immediately I had to demonstrate my aptitude for piloting the Eva designated as Unit 2.
She dressed herself in white in a room next to the one where myself and Shinji dressed in blue.
She did not know what she was.
But I did. We were the same.
Perhaps my abilities surprised them. Perhaps suspicion began to arise in some of their minds.
I know Shinji's guardian is uneasy with me.
But there is nothing they can do about it.
Our fates are decided for us - we cannot choose.
Or can we?
I waited for her at the top of the stairs.
She was startled.
"You are the First Child?" I said.
She did not speak.
" Rei Ayanami....." I whispered. "You are the same as I am. We have both taken the Lilim's form as our body to live on this planet."
Her eyes, red like mine, narrowed.
"Who are you?" she demanded.
I smiled at her but did not answer.
He was waiting for me.
I exited the door and smiled as I saw him, hunched over, music playing in his ears.
My song.
"You were waiting for me?" I asked.
He began to blush again, his uncertainty with others showing again. "Oh, no I did... I didn't mean to."
"Today is?"
"Well, the usual test was over and, I was going to have a shower before I went home. But, I don't want to go home these days," said he uncomfortably.
"You have a house, or a home to go to," I replied. "That fact makes you happy. That is nice."
"Is that so?"
"I want to talk with you some more," I said. "May I go with you?"
"Huh?"
"I mean to the shower. Aren't you going to shower?"
"Yeah . . ."
Uncertainty again. Shying away from emotional contact.
I wanted to help him, enjoy his company for the few hours we had together.
"You mean 'no'?"
"Oh, yes. I don't mean no."
Water, cleansing. Soothing.
Washing away Tabris's certainty, and Kaworu began to doubt Tabris's destiny.
My . . . companion was uncomfortable. I began to speak.
"You avoid contact of the first kind at all costs. Do you fear to feel other people? Being ignorant of others, you will never be betrayed or hurt, though you will never escape from feeling sadness. A person cannot erase sadness forever.
"Everyone is alone."
I gently laid my hand on his. Even this light contact made him gasp, and he tried to pull away.
I continued.
"However, people can forget, and so they are able to live."
The lights shut off.
"Oh . . . It's time," said Shinji.
He sounded reluctant . . . as was I.
"It's over?"
"I have to go to bed."
"With me?"
He reacted, startled.
"Ah... no, you are provided with your own, different room."
"Okay."
I stood up, the water dripping away. He stared.
"People always feel pain in their hearts," I said, not looking or touching him. "The heart is easy to wound, that's why living is painful. In particular, your heart is fragile like glass."
"Me?" he questioned.
"Worthy of love."
I looked at him.
"Love?"
"I mean, I love you."
He froze, but did not break eye contact.
Neither of us spoke.
It was I who turned first. I took a towel and covered myself while he remained in the water, hesitant.
"I believe it is time for you to return to your home," I said.
He broke out of his trance.
"Um, would you mind if I stayed at your place?" he asked as if expecting a refusal.
I turned, half-dressed, and smiled at him.
"I would be honoured if you would come."
As if believing himself worthy of punishment, Shinji took the floor.
"Really, I should be on the floor," I said more than once.
"Oh, you shouldn't. It's me who asked you to let me stay here," he replied, staring up at the ceiling. It was unfamiliar to him. "It's okay if I sleep here."
Silence. He wanted to speak, but was afraid to.
"What do you want to say?" I asked.
"Eh?"
"You have something that you want me to hear."
As if eager to speak, after holding it back for so long, the words tumbled out.
"I've experienced many things since I came here," he said. "I was at my teacher's before. Silent and calm days. I did nothing but exist. That was fine with me. I had nothing to do."
The words stopped.
"You dislike people?" I asked.
"Well, I don't really care," he replied. "Except for my father, who I hate."
Ah yes. His father, who by abandoning him as a child, forced Shinji to shut himself away from others.
But I understood. And loved him. I wanted to comfort him, teach him that he was worthy of love.
I laughed, then sighed.
I sensed him turn to face me. Smiling, I looked at him.
"I might have been born to meet you," I said softly.
"Why do you say that?" he asked.
I reached out with my right hand and caressed his cheek.
He closed his eyes.
"So fragile, so soft," I murmured. "You Lilim are so delicate - and yet so strong."
I slowly moved off the bed, my fingers tracing the contours of his face.
"You believe you are unworthy to be loved, as much as you long to be loved, so you shy away from contact, afraid to take the risk lest you be hurt. But, do you remember, that someone will catch you?"
I came to rest above him, fingers touching his lips. His hand came to cover mine.
"And even if you fall, you will discover something new . . ."
My body straddling him, I touched my lips to his own.
I felt a wetness on his cheek.
So deserving of love, yet you did not have it.
I wiped the tear away and embraced him, comforting and sheltering. Another kiss, which led on to another, and then to other things as I showed him love.
We did not sleep for some hours, as Shinji talked, a second outpouring of words as he opened himself up to me. When something disturbed him, I was there to hold him, comfort him.
He soon slept, but I did not. I stared at him, a peaceful smile on his face.
It was Tabris's destiny to bring destruction to the Mankind.
But Kaworu could no longer do it.
I stroked Shinji's face.
Something alerted me. I sat up.
They were calling.
I quietly arose and dressed myself. Casting one glance at his naked, sleeping form, I left the room.
They were waiting, at the stone where I had been when I first laid eyes on Shinji.
The monoliths appeared, one by one surrounding Tabris as I stood on the stone.
I spoke first, seemingly to the casual observer to the empty air.
"Humans are unable to create something out of nothing. They must have something to start with - because humans aren't Gods."
It was the first who replied. "But there is a man who seeks to gain power equal to God's."
"There is a man besides us who wants to reopen Pandora's Box," said another.
"And who wants to close the Box before Hope can appear," yet another added.
"Hope?" I replied, "That is the Lilim's hope?"
Kaworu slept in Shinji's arms, Tabris spoke with the members of SEELE.
The monoliths spoke again.
"There are as many forms of hope as there are people."
"Because hope exists only in the hearts of people."
"But 'our' hopes are materializing..."
"In Lilith, progenitor of humanity - the false successors from the Black Moon..."
"And in Adam, progenitor of Angels - the true successors from the lost White Moon."
"And whose salvaged soul resides only within you..."
"But whose revived body is already inside Ikari," said the first monolith.
Ah yes.
I was the vessel of the soul they desired to return to Adam, the one to whom my soul belonged.
A question rose in Kaworu's mind.
Does this mean that I do not truly live, if I have no soul of my own?
No. My soul resides in me. Therefore, it is mine.
I can feel pain, I can feel desire, I can feel happiness, I can feel . . . love.
I feel all these and more - therefore, I live.
I closed my eyes and smiled, hands in my pockets, the clothes Kaworu wore.
"Shinji's father... Is he like me?"
Shinji's father, the soul of a Lilim but whose form contains the body of an Angel.
Myself (Kaworu or Tabris?), the form of a Lilim but the soul of an Angel.
"That is why we now entrust our hope to you."
The monoliths of SEELE vanished.
I stood there, meditating on what had passed.
But there was another, watching . . .
Shinji's guardian, who stared at me even as I looked up and smiled at her.
Tabris sighed.
"Everything is going according to the Lilim's plans."
I did not sleep, even when I returned to my room where Shinji lay. I leaned on the wall, content to look.
It was the day our fates would be decided, yet the day began with us as lovers, rather than enemies.
"Kaworu?" he asked drowsily, looking for me.
"I am here, Shinji." I came to sit beside him.
He smiled shyly at me.
"Come, we must go," I said, pulling him up.
"Where to?"
"NERV."
He dressed and we turned to leave.
In the doorway, I paused. Stared about the room where I had lived for less than a day. It meant little to me, only as the place where Shinji and I had slept . . .
"You know something, Shinji?"
"Hmm?"
"We both slept on the floor last night."
He laughed, more comfortable and we set off.
Soon, our ways had to part.
Kaworu did not want to, but Tabris felt the calling that came from deep underground.
I stopped in the empty corridor. Shinji looked at me curiously.
"I must go," I said. I reached out and took his hand.
"Huh?" he said confused.
He would understand. Soon.
"Whatever may happen, I wish for you to know one thing," I whispered. Reflexively he drew closer to hear my words, his face near mine, his darker eyes staring into my own crimson ones.
"Shinji, I love you. For all eternity."
I kissed him, then pulled away.
We looked at each other for a long time, Shinji trying to say something but couldn't.
"I . . ." he said, then trailed off.
He could not finish saying a short phrase of three words that if said, would decide for me that I would not return to the one who waited underground.
I smiled at him. I knew what he was trying to say.
"I know. Goodbye."
Eva 2 stood there silently, four eyes glaring down.
"It is time!" cried Tabris, as Kaworu was shut away. "Come, Adam's minion, servant of the Lilim!"
I stepped off the bridge. I did not fall.
Flying, I silently called it to me.
The four eyes flashed.
It had begun.
Joy began to sing.
I proceeded down, down deep into the belly of the building where it waited, calling.
Resistance was futile as my defender vanquished any attacks.
I summoned my A.T. field.
They tried everything possible to stop me, but the red demon at my side destroyed every barrier, every obstacle.
I waited for him to come to me.
O Freunde, nicht diese Töne! Sondern, laßt uns Angenehmere anstimmen . . .
But he didn't come.
Someone told him that Kaworu was gone, and Tabris was descending to the final stage.
I felt his pain, denial of the truth he feared.
und Freudenvollere!
"Shinji, you are late," I whispered.
But he came, pursuing, angry, hurt.
He screamed.
"You betrayed me! You betrayed my heart! You betrayed me like my father!"
The words struck - Kaworu winced, hurt, but Tabris, unaffected, kept descending.
Freude, Freude, Freude, Freude, schöner Götterfunken, Tochter aus Elysium . . .
He was here.
"I've been waiting for you," I said simply. He tried to attack but my red champion held him at bay.
He screamed my name, but Kaworu did not hear.
wir betreten feuertrunken, Himmlische dein Heiligtum!
He whispered words of apology to the soul of the one who hid herself from the world.
The knives flashed.
I wondered aloud.
"Eva, factae de Adamo, the beings detested by humans. Still, the Lilims are trying to survive by using them."
Deine Zauber binden wieder, was die Mode streng geteilt . . .
"I do not understand this . . ."
alle Menschen werden Brüder, wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt . . .
The knives locked together, the energy blowing my silver hair back.
"Kaworu, stop this!" he screamed desperately. "Why are you doing this?"
Deine Zauber binden wieder . . .
I spoke, painfully conversational whilst I watched, emotionless.
"Eva is made of the same body as me."
was die Mode streng geteilt . . .
"I am also the natus de Adamo. When the unit does not have a soul, I can unite. The soul of this unit is shutting itself up now."
alle Menschen werden Brüder, wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt. . .
Shinji's knife slipped and hurtled towards me - and stopped.
"You have your own A.T. field?" he gasped in shock.
Any doubts that remained in his mind were now gone.
"Yes. You Lilims call it so. The holy region that must not be invaded by anyone. The light of mind."
Wem der große Wurf gelungen, eines Freundes Freud zu sein . . .
"You, Lilims, are aware of that. Don't you see? That an A.T. field is merely the barrier that separates all human minds?"
Wer ein holdes Weib errungen, mische seinen Jubel ein!
"I don't understand! Kaworu!"
Ja, wer auch nur eine Seele sein nennt auf dem Erdenrund . . .
The red demon's knife plunged into the body that contained Shinji. He screamed in pain.
Kaworu wanted it to stop, but Tabris must continue.
Und wer's nie gekonnt, der stehle weinend sich aus diesem Bund.
Ja, wer auch nur eine Seele sein nennt auf dem Erdenrund! Undw er's nie gekonnt, der stehle weinend sich aus diesem Bund . . .
The destination of people? thought Kaworu. The hope of people is the thread of sadness.
Freude trinken alle Wesen an den Brüsten der Natur . . .
I closed my eyes, and the barrier rose around us.
Alle Guten, alle Bösen folgen ihrer Rosenspur. Küsse gab sie uns und Reben, einen Freund, geprüft im Tod; Wollust ward dem Wurm gegeben, und der Cherub steht vor Gott!
We continued, down, down, down, until we impacted on the ground with such force that the foundations shook.
Küsse gab sie uns und Reben, einen Freund, geprüft im Tod; Wollust ward dem Wurm gegeben, und der Cherub steht vor Gott . . .
"Kaworu! Don't do it, Kaworu!" screamed Shinji desperately.
und der Cherub steht vor Gott . . .
He tried to follow me but the red demon prevented him from doing so.
Again, they fought.
Kaworu looked at him sadly.
Tabris stood in front of the door.
steht vor Gott, vor Gott, vor Gott . . .
It opened at my mental command.
Heaven's Door was open.
I stepped through.
Freude, schöner Götterfunken, Tochter aus Elysium . . .
The place began to shudder.
Something invaded my barrier. As strong as mine, it broke through, allowing the observers above to watch our confrontation.
It was her, the one called Rei.
wir betreten feuertrunken, Himmlische, dein Heiligtum!
She stood above, expressionless, as the blood that flowed through her veins and mine provided her with the power to generate her own barrier.
Deine Zauber binden wieder, was die Mode streng geteilt . . .
It was through my intervention that allowed her to do this. I had awakened the knowledge within her.
But it mattered not anymore.
Her barrier disappeared as suddenly as it came.
alle Menschen werden Brüder, wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt . . .
It waited, a giant white figure hanging on a cross, head hanging down and the seven eyes, the seven eyes that appeared on the symbol for SEELE stared. At me, at the two giants, its own offspring battling, at the one who stood above us.
Even as Tabris stood there, ready to fulfil his destiny, Kaworu spoke.
"Adam, our mother being. Those born from Adam must return to Adam, even annihilating humanity?"
Deine Zauber binden wieder, was die Mode streng geteilt . . .
There was something not right though . . .
"Wait . . ."
It was not the one I had searched for.
"No! It's different. This is Lilith. I see. I understand the Lilim."
alle Menschen werden Brüder, wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt . . .
Shock, realisation that I had been tricked.
A crash, as the red demon fell, and Shinji entered.
Tabris faltered, and Kaworu returned.
Seid umschlugen Millionen . . .
Without hesitating, he grabbed me in his right hand.
I smiled.
"Thank you Shinji," I said softly, though he - and those listening above, could hear. "I wished you to keep Unit Two. Otherwise, I might have lived with her."
Diesen Kuß der ganzen Welt!
"Kaworu, why?" he asked, still not understanding.
I am the Angel of Free Will. I can choose my destiny.
And I choose him.
"I have been destined to live forever, even if humanity is annihilated as a result. However, I am able to die. To be or not to be. It makes no difference to me. My death is the only absolute liberty."
Seid umschlugen Millionen!
"What, what are you talking about? Kaworu!" He was almost weeping now, and my heart ached. "I don't understand what you're talking about! Kaworu!"
Diesen Kuß der ganzen Welt!
"My last words."
I would die, but he would live. That was all that mattered.
"Now, destroy me. Otherwise you will be destroyed. The life that escapes the time of annihilation, and that obtains the future, is only one."
My last wish - that he would live.
My sacrifice, his future.
"And, you are not the one who must die."
Enveloped in his hand, the orange liquid below, I looked up at her. She did not smile.
I turned back to him, the one I loved, the one who I wanted to kill me.
"You need the future. It is what you live for."
Bruder! Überm Sternenzelt muß ein lieber Vater wohnen . . .
"Thank you. My life was meaningful because of you."
I held his gaze.
Bruder . . .
He wept, as did I.
Remembered memories . . . a rock, a lake, a shower, a bed . . .
Überm Sternenzelt muß ein lieber Vater wohnen . . .
Love.
Ihr stürzt nieder . . .
I love you . . .
Were they his words, or were they mine?
Or were they both?
Mi . . . .
A flash of pain, then nothing.
Happiness.
I am the Angel of Free Will.
I have chosen.